Pictures and Words: a Father ‘s Lament

In the dark of early morning I lie awake

My mind is restless

My body twisted and uncomfortable

I try to sleep

Images of memories my pictorial past

My children

Faces and postures, incidents and occasions

Flip like a slideshow

The memories begin to fade, followed by words

Desperate words

Reaching out into my mind and beyond

The words long to be spoken

Oh my children my words are for you!

Waning for you is my role

The words carry the thoughts and experiences

Capsules of living

I will write the words and hope they are spoken

Even if whispered

I will hope that they are spoken

To you

Dark heart

I have a darkness in my heart.
In my quiet moments, a shadow.
Where am I ?
I am fading, my strength, like ice cream in summer leaks away.
Comfort and hope are repelled from me.
I procrastinate, I shrink from duty, failure follows me.
Gloom in my heart and despair in my mind.
Oh God please help me.

How I feel

Oh Lord why do I feel so worthless
I have emotions
I feel impotent
Life is  going  on and I am stuck

Time is moving and I am left
I am useless
My thoughts are like twisted weeds
Choking life giving thoughts, die

Hope is a memory
a fading dream
When will it end?
Oh please don't end

So much life to live.

The dark

The dark waits
lurking just out of sight
beckoning
Silent promises of rest

How tempting to give in
To stop fighting
Let go of the baton
forever to sleep

Like Lilliputian threads
Each precious person holds me
Each thread a lifeline against the dark
Each thread a blessed hope

constructive thoughts

To write about everything in ones life is an arduous task. This is especially true when your expression is through only a single method and single location. I use a computer in an office which is adapted for my use. I do also have a laptop but setup and comfort often limit the spontaneous capturing of thoughtful inspiration. I have noticed that my desire to document events has waned and I am become silent in my cocoon. This is largely a consequence. A consequence of fatigue and discomfort. Also a desperate sense that I am "running out of time" so I should not waste time with flowery prose. The reality is less dramatic and a more believable, I just waste my time doing non-constructive searches and fruitless activities.

If you are amongst the many regular readers of my blog or an e-mail correspondent than I humbly apologise for letting you down. I won't promise to do better, just to do my best at being better.

In my next post I will put some pictures of recent events.

one day to be free

I try to ignore the pain.
I distract myself
There's so much beauty in the world
There's beauty in people
nature draws me outside
I look through the window
a new pain appears
the longing for freedom
to stand to leave the wheelchair
to walk barefoot
to lie down in the shade

one day
one day without the pain
one day without the fight to sit
one day to be free

Smile convincingly

Smile convincingly, never let them see.
A slither of hope, so slim, slips into history.
"Friends"can't be, the strain a mystery.

Hope splutters as it clings to itself.
Why do you do it? What do you gain?
When will salvation come from all the pain.

I could give up.
They wouldn't know.
Thinking perhaps some virus had laid me low.

Until the flame is squashed .
And the future goes dim.
Until this day I will trust Him.