constructive thoughts

To write about everything in ones life is an arduous task. This is especially true when your expression is through only a single method and single location. I use a computer in an office which is adapted for my use. I do also have a laptop but setup and comfort often limit the spontaneous capturing of thoughtful inspiration. I have noticed that my desire to document events has waned and I am become silent in my cocoon. This is largely a consequence. A consequence of fatigue and discomfort. Also a desperate sense that I am "running out of time" so I should not waste time with flowery prose. The reality is less dramatic and a more believable, I just waste my time doing non-constructive searches and fruitless activities.

If you are amongst the many regular readers of my blog or an e-mail correspondent than I humbly apologise for letting you down. I won't promise to do better, just to do my best at being better.

In my next post I will put some pictures of recent events.

one day to be free

I try to ignore the pain.
I distract myself
There's so much beauty in the world
There's beauty in people
nature draws me outside
I look through the window
a new pain appears
the longing for freedom
to stand to leave the wheelchair
to walk barefoot
to lie down in the shade

one day
one day without the pain
one day without the fight to sit
one day to be free

Smile convincingly

Smile convincingly, never let them see.
A slither of hope, so slim, slips into history.
"Friends"can't be, the strain a mystery.

Hope splutters as it clings to itself.
Why do you do it? What do you gain?
When will salvation come from all the pain.

I could give up.
They wouldn't know.
Thinking perhaps some virus had laid me low.

Until the flame is squashed .
And the future goes dim.
Until this day I will trust Him.

The torture and the pleasure

The torture and the pleasure of our physical bodies. You can "feel" needs and fulfilling satisfaction. Hunger is a state of need but there is even greater when you eventually tuck in to a desired meal. We are made so that reward follows desire so that pleasure follows hunger.

I don't know how to deal with these needs. I have a physical intimacy need an enormous, confusing whirlwind of desire. I don't desire a physical relief without some emotional intimacy.

So I live with this duality. Like the wave particle duality in quantum physics I sit in a superposition of states. Hope is a slim strand, but I clutch it anyway.

musings

I found myself writing the following words to a friend:

"I am lonely Mandy. In a way that I I haven't been before. It is as if the candle flame has flickered and died. I sit in the inky blackness and feel a cold doubt creeping in to me."

I suddenly realised that I am at a hiatus. Some slight but important changes in me are developing and I need move into a different phase.

What can it be?

Cruel Hope

Surrounded by ghosts and past visions
I claw at the hope of sunlight above
Never moving, always striving
Like a fly in syrup I scratch at glue
Sinking and desperate
Hoping

Masochistic thoughts return
The spark extinguished by reality
Stuck again
The relentless circle
The circuitous repeat
Cruel hope

Seeing you but never touching
Virtual, tangible but empty
This is my struggle
Passion rises with hope
Acid reality
Vanished dreams

Frozen in love

The loneliness of paralysis is like the pain of death. You live and exist but you can't reach out to others and they can't reach you. Spontaneous touch and non-verbal intimacy are impossible. Interactions become distant and the casual closeness of friends is replaced with a stiff upright but shallow "hello and goodbye".

How I long to open my heart and thoughts to another. Someone I trust and love even to whom I know I can give my will to and extend myself for; to help them be the best they can be. I realise that it is highly unlikely for any such possibility. I hope but I don’t ever lose sight of the unfinished work in my own life. So everyday I make the effort to discover who I am. To cut and mould the hopeless man I am into someone with the strength to continue.